Divorce is destabilizing for adults and children alike. Suddenly the rug has been yanked out from under family members, sometimes literally. Moving or changing homes as children move back and forth between parents is unsettling enough. But combined with the breakup of the family unit, and prolonged discontent or even hostility between parents, the disturbance factors for adults and children can reach profound levels. Trust between family members often suffers the most erosion; after all, a marriage is based on a bond of trust between two people, and consequently between the children of that union and their parents as well.
Rebuilding Trust
Fortunately, rebuilding trust with children is not as hard as it seems, because for younger children, and even those up to the teenage years, trust builds through small specific acts carried through consistently over time. Which ones you choose to work on can matter a great deal to your children, however. It is important to begin by assuring children that their most basic needs will be met as outlined in Maslow’s hierarchy: safety, food, and shelter. While for you as an adult, the assumption may be obvious, when children feel their world has turned upside down, they may require simple, physical daily assurances that you can meet these needs. Once their trust in that you will be there for them is rebuilt, many other factors that complicate life for single parents will also improve, from children’s behavior issues to their overall health and happiness. This article outlines small steps toward the daily recovery of trust and stability for you and your children.
“Be there for me” guidelines for safety, food, and shelter
Safety
1) First, establish safety boundaries for your children. If you have moved to a new neighborhood, or even in your old neighborhood, there may be issues (bullies, a frightening drunk person, an unsupervised playground where teenagers hang out) of which you are unaware. Make sure to spend time getting to know the neighborhood through your children’s eyes, by walking in the neighborhood with them frequently and listening to their concerns. Work up plans together to address each concern. Perhaps there are friendly neighbors who can let the children stay with them if you get home late, or you may choose to invest in cell phones for your children.
2) If you are picking up your children from school or other activities, make every effort to be there on time. This simple act of consistency reassures your children that you care about them, and reinforces their sense of security and trust in you. Unfortunately, overloaded single parents with not enough time often assume that being a few minutes late will not matter to the children – it does.
Food
3) Food is a much bigger issue for children than for many adults. We can pay for a lunch if we forget to make one, or did not eat enough breakfast. If the refrigerator is empty when we get home, it is annoying, but we know we can get in the car and make a quick trip to the grocery store. Children do not have these resources, nor can they read adults’ minds to know when the food will arrive. Keep a well-stocked refrigerator – focus on simple, nutritious food rather than prepackaged foods to cut down on cost.
4) Make the extra effort to wake up at the same time as your children, or a little earlier, so that you can prepare breakfast for them or at least put out the cereal. Pick a time that works for everyone and stick to that regular schedule. By letting them know that you care for their food needs in this simple, practical way, you provide reassurance that every day will start right.
5) If they need to pack a lunch, take the extra time each morning, or the evening before, to check that they have put in adequate, nutritious food, and have clean containers and lunchboxes. Most children should be making their own lunches by mid-elementary years – all you need to do as a parent is to take two minutes each day to check them. Even though it is hard for single parents to find time, these two minutes are invaluable for your children’s health, and their sense of security.
6) Eat dinners together as often as possible, even if you have to do take-out. Make sure to sit down together, setting the table in advance, or have one of the children take over that chore. Ban television, radio, and reading material from the table, and share some stories and even jokes. Try to keep the time consistent. The loss of family dinners is a huge blow to children who have been through a divorce. Even though the dinner table with the single parent is different, it still provides the place where your children weigh anchor at the end of the day, whether the seas were calm or stormy for them. You must provide the safe and welcoming harbor.
Shelter
7) Children do not think much about the mortgage or the rent, nor worry about the repairs that the house needs. They may find the old house you move to much more appealing than you do. But their beds are the places they retreat to every night, as well as when they are sad or frustrated, or just want to be alone. Spend some extra effort to make their beds special. It is worth investing in new quilts or blankets that they like. If this is an expense beyond your budget, ask family or friends to help. Making their beds inviting (and helping them to keep them clean) will help their moods, give them the security they need in a new place, and help them regain trust in you each night.
8) Help them to establish a regular bedtime and a comforting routine, whether you read to them for a few minutes each night, or allow them a lamp or nightlight and some reading time of their own. Make sure to stop in and say goodnight.
As you build trust with your children in your new situation, you will discover other family activities that fit your family’s interests, such as reading together, or taking camping trips. But do not neglect the basics – what seems obvious to adults may still be in question for children, as they struggle to trust themselves, their family, and the rest of the world after the upheaval of divorce.
To learn more, see the FamilyIQ courses:
Divorce: Parent Education and Family Stabilization, Divorce: Communicating With Your Children, Divorce: Co-Parenting and Visitation, Surviving Divorce, Improving Your Communication Skills
Author Catherine Knott, Ph.D., teaches Anthropology and Sociology for the University of Alaska on the Kenai Peninsula. She has a Ph.D. in Anthropology, Natural Resources, and Education from Cornell University and a B.A. from Yale University. Catherine has worked in International Development overseas and in the United States for many years. She and her three children enjoy the wilderness, as well as gardening, art, and writing, from their rural home in Alaska.
